Shitty emotions, holidays and babies… Just not in that order!

   I am a horrible blogger…. there I said it…. I am a horrible blogger…. not just because I’m new at it but I haven’t been posting much lately. And honestly I don’t know if I can still be considered a new blogger. I’ve been blogging since, like, June but it still seems new to me. But I’m rambling as usual! So I need to blog to get these emotions out… I feel free to say what’s on my mind when I blog. I just need to find the words to explain these feelings and in no way hurt anyone who may read this because that is by far my intentions.
   ~ PRE- CHRISTMAS ~
Christmas always puts me in that mood. That EFF life, who cares, why bother mood. And since Tim and I have been together I have gradually gotten better about my holiday moods but this year was better than last by far. I think it was better because Tim has been busting balls at work to bring home better checks so we have money to do things as a family. If it wasn’t for the work him and Chris put into working so hard I don’t know where we would be…. To help with my better mood I have these amazing book worm friends who never fail to amaze me with their positive attitudes and care as well as generosity. I couple months or so ago my kindle went missing and we had no idea where it went. These ladies, in the middle of the financial tight spot of the year, pulled together and pitched in to buy a brand new Kindle PaperWhite. I came out to find mail on the table with my name on it and when I opened it to find that and a new case for it…. I cried. To have such amazing friends, that have never met me, and don’t want me to have to suffer without my books, just had me dumbfounded. I feel like such a shitty person because I haven’t been participating in a lot of activities. I get on every day but I never know what to say so I close out the app and do it again the next day. Love these amazing women because they do so much for everyone I sometimes feel like I don’t belong with women who are so amazing but i realize we were brought together by books, surround each other in book related material and non book related too and we support each other no matter what the subject, like loss of a family member or schooling or just random bitching! So I’m trying to tell myself I have a place here every time I’m in group but I think with time ill be more comfortable.
   ~ CHRISTMAS ~ 
Christmas eve brought a new addition to our family. Tim has a younger sister, Candice, who was supposed to give birth on the 21 of December and didn’t until 6:00 am on the 24th. This child is so funny and his faces crack me up! But I look at him and I want to break down. Tim and I have been through two miscarriages and it makes it harder and harder for the both of us to even want it. I know Tim would love to be a father, and he would make the perfect one, but he is worried about financial statuses, which I love about him. I want so badly to be able to hold this baby more than I do but I can’t. And I don’t want to say this to any of them because I don’t want them to feel like I’m targeting them because again… in no way am I trying to hurt anyone. On the 20th of this month I will be 25 years old and i look at my life and think… ” where in the hell has all of this time gone?” I went to school with women who now have two , three and four children and here I am, holding everyone else’s baby, wishing it was mine. Not in a law and order type longing… just wishful thinking. I can’t control it, its like word vomit, mental word vomit. But Christmas brought so many good, healthy, hopeful thoughts and I was hoping it would last.
   ~ NEW YEARS ~
I have come to the realization that the key to my unhappiness is my physical state. I just haven’t done anything about it and I need too. My body hurts more as I get older and getting out of bed is ridiculous. I hate standing for too long because my sides hurt. So I have told myself that this is the year. This is the year I will be better, not just for my mental health but physical health as well.  I’m going to be working out more but I need to get myself into that mindset that I CAN DO IT, and I NEED TO DO THIS. Along with working on my physical health I’m thinking about quitting smoking but I’m not entirely sure that’s going to happen. Its something that keeps me from wanting to kill everyone. My mental health is back in the place where it use to be and I can’t pin point where it comes from but I honestly hate myself. I don’t say these things to complain or to gain sympathy but to make them known to those around me. I go through days where im not happy and cheerful and funny and that is why. I get tired of wearing that mask that says, ” No, I’m perfectly fine!” I love my family, my book worm friends and all of my followers on WordPress and off and honestly these are the people who keep me from actually wanting to kill myself. I’m just afraid that I’ll get to that place where even that won’t matter. I love joking, but lately I’m not in the mood for it. So to anyone who reads this, thank you, for your time, patience and love. I’m not dead yet! Happy new year! Read on, my loves, read on!

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11 thoughts on “Shitty emotions, holidays and babies… Just not in that order!

  1. After reading this post i was looking for more. You are so real and honest. I think thats amazing because alot of people blog and don’t really put themselves out there. I’m glad im not the only that feels like turnig. 25 is super hard and seeing everyone else arou d you doing certian things makes you feel like hou should be there too. I turned 25 on Decemeber 15th and it was the hardest thing because I feel like I’m no where near where I want to be or should be. I hole to read more of your writing and to discuss more books. Happy Reading.

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    • Thank you so much! Sometimes it feels like a pre-midlife crisis and it just gets hard to handle. I think that’s why I like being able to blog. I have been enjoying our book talk and can’t wait to read more from you as well!

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      • Yes omg thats exactly how I felt. When I turned 25 I kept saying Im half way to 50 and have nothing to show for it lol. Its sounds a little dramatic but it definitely can feel that way.

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      • Omg lol me and you are literally in the same boat. That’s exactly how I feel. 90% of the time I’m talking about the weight I’ve gained over the last few years and I blame getting older for it being harder to get rid of lol. And then I’m like. Well I have this really amazing guy I’ve been woth for 8 years so there I’ve accomplished something lol.

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      • Lol my better looking twin maybe? Were only like a month apart in age…. lol totally weird! I’ve only been with my boyfriend for a few years though it’ll be 3 years April 7th lol

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  2. Damn, I want you to keep blogging cause I just found you! Book friends are the best, and honest blogs like yours are great to read.
    Hang in there!
    Your newest reader,
    Tina from north Florida

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    • Thank you so much! I love knowing that someone actually reads what I’m writing. I’m definitely following you now and try to keep up with all followers and I am always here if you just want to chat about anything at all!

      Liked by 1 person

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